khalfroyo games

Part I here.

*Disclaimer: this post is lengthy and will be different in both tone and content than what I intend to write about moving forward. I felt that context is important and wanted to explain the reason why I’m trying to complete this project 🙂

Spending and FOMO

Gaming was a microcosm of my habits when it came to spending and money. Similar patterns existed when it came to other things. Early on, I worked at a fast food joint but also had an eBay storefront selling Blu-Rays and HD-DVDs as a side hustle. I got addicted to the access that additional money gave me. I felt like if I played my cards right, I’d never have to ask for anything again, I could just earn the cash and feed my desires however I wanted to.

Finding deals and grinding to minimize costs while getting more, MORE, MOOORRRE was addicting. I felt if I didn’t take advantage of a deal, the moment would pass and along with it, an opportunity to gain more. With games this didn’t hold the same logic since they held no resale value, but I felt like if I didn’t get the game on sale, I’d miss out on the experience. The pattern was already chemically burned into my brain before I recognized what was happening. The damage was done, and in the future it would repeat with things like PC building, home theater, and even garage gym equipment.

Resolution to Change

I spent my college years playing World of Warcraft and studying health and human sciences. While I learned more about psychology and pathophysiology, I immersed myself in WoW as millions of others have. At one point I had 10 characters going at once, with 4 “mains”. The pursuit for MORE existed even in WoW. At one point I even built a business within the WoW economy, complete with “employees” in a sense, and I eventually even started selling the in-game gold currency for real life money.

Meanwhile, my health was rapidly deteriorating. I fell into insomnia that I’d treat with melatonin, would offset the tiredness with caffeine pills, and fill the time in between with gaming, school, food, and alcohol. I soon experienced deep depression. My weight was out of control – at this point I ballooned up to almost 280 pounds at 5’10”. One day I looked at myself in the mirror and just felt disgusted with everything, and the worst part was I wasn’t able to muster up enough will to even care.

Eventually my mom challenged me to try and walk more, as she had been training to walk a half marathon. I decided to give it a shot. Quickly I realized how bad things had got with my health, as my ankles and knees were hurting, and I was constantly out of breath. I knew I needed to lose weight, so I bought a plastic sauna suit and a jump rope and started to see how long I could go. I found out I had a really weird knack for jumping rope and soon I dropped a few pounds. The progress was addicting, and it was accelerated by the walking I would do every day.

My physical health slowly improved, but my emotional and psychological health remained unaddressed. All the defense mechanisms and habits were still there, and the late nights, spending, and depression continued for several more years. With a combination of rock bottom-worthy moments, a love/hate relationship with exercise, a more balanced approach to diet, and most importantly a little bit of therapy and inner growth, I started to recognize what was going on with my mind, body, and wallet.

When I understood what was going on internally that led to my actions, I needed to do something that would change the dynamic of my relationship with hobbies like gaming and stress relief (which was one of the things I was primarily seeking out). I largely cut out alcohol. I started practicing the principles of intent and mindfulness (still working on this one). And finally, I decided to stop trying to fill parts of me with purchases – not only games, but media, clothing, excess. IT HAS BEEN A STRUGGLE, not gonna lie. It’s a constant battle but one that I win more often than not now because I’m able to understand the motivations behind my decisions, and no longer just gave in to whim or worse, apathy.

This project in many ways has become the culmination of the personal growth I worked on for over 10 years, and continue to work on. It’s become a reminder to keep things in balance, find joy in the hobbies and activities I choose, and to not allow escapism define me by allowing myself to set limits when I need to.

It’s been a reminder of where I’ve been and where I’m going. And at some point, it will be completed. I hope that between now and then, I grow even more insight and understanding…and play hellza great games.